Beaver Blanks

An 82 year old man marries an 18 year old woman, she becomes pregnant. The 82 year old man goes to the Dr. to see what the DR had to say about the wife being pregnant. The DR. said let me tell you a story about this 82 year old man I know, This man went hunting every hunting season his whole life, never missed an event. One year he got ready to go hunting and grabbed an umbrella instead of his gun. He got to the beaver pond and saw a beaver pulled up the umbrella and said pow pow and the beaver fell over dead. The Dr. asked the 82 year old patient what he thought happened to the beaver and the patient said I think someone else shot the beaver.

Eye Catcher

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you. "
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said,
"you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my eye. "

Natural Selection

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Stumpy Pink Dog

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash. The barman says: Geez that's a weird dog, he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail. I bet my rottwieler would beat the heck out of it!
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottwieler gets mauled to pieces. Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks. Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place.
The drinker pays up and says: Say what breed is that anyway??
The owner says:Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink, it was the same breed as every other alligator!

Cop Hunts For Drunk, Misses.

A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0. The cop says, 'How is this possible?' The guy says,'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

GI Insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000. "
"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

Supermarket Grad

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store. "
"But I'm a college graduate. " the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how. "